The Tourist

Dir. Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Starring. Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Paul Bettany

A twist ending can either make or break a film. Back when the device was a novelty there was nothing better. The superiority one felt speaking to people who hadn't yet seen the film was absolutely addictive. "You'll never guess the ending," we'd say, "I figured it out within the first nanosecond of the opening credits, but you'll never guess it."

By now, audiences have seen it all. We know all the possible twists that are out there, so any attempt at one just seems like a cheap cop out. It's rare for us to be at all shocked anymore. That's why these days the twist ending is further down on the Hollywood blacklist than Mel Gibson.

Unfortunately, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck writer/director of thoughtlessly self-indulgent wannabe action thriller, The Tourist, doesn't seem to have received the memo. He has given us an ending so bad, the first ever film audience would not even have been shocked by it. Either he made the film for the dumbest audience ever, or he was so smart he had the foresight to know that in this day and age, audiences are so jaded we could never possibly suspect the ending that is most painfully obvious to us.

I'm not going to spell it out for you because that's one of the great bylaws of my trade (and because a retarded monkey could figure it out just by watching the trailer). I shall do my best to keep you in suspense. In short, the story is that of Elise Ward (Angelina Jolie), a beautiful woman being tailed by police who are after her man for stealing loads of money. She receives a mysterious letter from said mysterious man instructing her to fool the police into thinking another man is him. She picks the most boring character Johnny Depp has ever played, Frank Tupelo. Although the officials soon realize Frank is not the man they are after, some thugs who work for the giant boil in the middle of Steven Berkoff's forehead still think he is and come after him, thus entwining the innocent tourist in an only mildly threatening game of cat and mouse; one where the cat doesn't seem to be all that bothered and the audience isn't all that bothered about whether or not the mouse gets away.

The chemistry between Jolie and Depp is about the same as that of a used q-tip and a ball of lint. It's almost as if they were each acting in a completely different film and their scenes were accidentally cut together without them ever having been in the same room together. Actually, that makes sense. Yes, yes, that must be what happened.

To be fair, I can't think of any actors who could have breathed life into the script which was so dead it actually died, came back to life as a zombie, and then was beaten to death again with a shovel. The story is completely void of anything even remotely compelling. Yet, we want so desperately to be entertained our brains force us into laughing at things that under normal circumstances wouldn't even bring us to waste the energy on an ironic or mildly amused eye roll. So there's that; a few moments of painful artificial laughter that barely staves off the deep depression that would set in if we really accepted the implications of a society that allows a film like this to be made. I would rather be stabbed in the eye repeatedly by Angelina Jolie's razor sharp shoulder blades than sit through that film again.

And if the first 90 minutes weren't bad enough, the ending is so bad, it felt like a slap in the face. So I've written a better one. Picture this: the final scene of the film is coming to an end. Depp and Jolie are smiling at each other in an annoyingly self satisfied way as everything seemingly has ended perfectly. But wait! Suddenly Johnny Depp turns to screen and chuckles. "Just kidding," he says. Then he goes on to explain that the film we've just seen was a fake made by a bunch of poorly designed robots starring not him, but a CGI version of him created by Brendan Fraser in a Mo Cap suit. Furthermore, it turns out Angelina Jolie hasn't in fact turned into Skeletor, as we have been lead to believe, but is actually just played by Terri Hatcher in a mask. And then everyone in the audience wins a prize for having been able to sit through the film. Then they both high five which ends in a freeze frame and cuts to black. Roll Credits. You can have it Hollywood, it's my gift to you.

Want this and more reviews? Go to Britfilms.tv.

Somewhere

Dir. Sofia Coppola
Starring. Stephen Dorff, Elle Fanning

I often find myself dismissing films that lack a compelling story. It's hard for me to enjoy great effects, visuals, or performances without that key fundamental piece, which these days is all too often overlooked. I was always told that a good story or script is the one key building block to a good film. But if that is the golden rule of filmmaking why did I so enjoy Somewhere, a film with hardly any plot at all?

Let me clarify that. There is a story, but it is exceptionally simple and minimal. It is the classic tale of a big time Hollywood star, Johnny Marco (played to perfection by Stephen Dorff), stuck in a cycle of meaningless relationships and partying, suffering from an existential crisis because of it. His daughter, Chloe (Elle Fanning) is placed in his care when her mother declares she must go away for an indefinite period of time and for a reason unknown. Johnny and Chloe's relationship plays out not in a dramatic coming of age tale or a sentimental yarn of life changing self realizations, but in a gradual and tender move towards closeness that occurs over a simple series of moments shared together.

The story is one we may have heard before, but it's never been told like this. A lifestyle which we are all inclined to believe to be fast paced and glamorous, is portrayed as anything but. It is mostly boring and stagnant and lonely; perfectly depicted in a scene in which Johnny has his whole head covered in white plaster to create a mould for some special effects make up. He sits alone while it sets, completely faceless and isolated. All we hear is his slow breathing. Scenes like this are so well observed; they are never cliche or contrived, but rather organic and personal and touching.

We love so many moments in Hollywood films because they are exciting and fantastic, but we will never actually experience them. In Somewhere, writer/director Sofia Coppola creates beautiful moments that we actually do experience showing us why we should love them but have somehow forgotten to because they are real. She breaks down not only the fantasy visage of the "celebrity" but also the fictional conventions of film by not adhering to them. This is just the story of a man's life: the ups and downs, the daily routine, the desperate need for human companionship.

And with this, Coppola has created a rare joy of a film that washes over you like a warm summer's day and stays with you as if it were your own personal memory of a special place and time. It is a film filled with charm and hope, despite the nature of the human condition. It might not be the most exciting film you see this year but what Somewhere lacks in plot, it more than makes up for in something else. Perhaps it's truth.

For this review and many more, try Britfilms.tv.

Secretariat

Dir. Randall Wallace
Starring. Diane Lane, John Malkovich, Lafeyette from True Blood

Let's face it: the people at Disney are masters of emotion control. When they want you to cry, you cry. When they want you to laugh, you better hope to God you're laughing. Just try and oppose them. I dare you.

In their latest film Secretariat, Disney really pulled out all the stops. The tale begins with a tragedy; our heroine, Penny (Diane Lane), suffers a family loss (cry, cry, cry), but sets herself to saving the family horse breeding business because of it (yay!). She puts her faith in a young underdog horse, Secretariat (played by a horse), that no one believes in (I do! I do!), and an eccentric French-Canadian trainer (John Malkovich) who's there mostly for comic relief (what a silly hat! hardy har har). The stakes get higher and higher as Penny risks everything on the success of the horse (sweaty palms, some indigestion), and in the end...well I don't want to spoil it (cheer! cheer!). It's a true story. Try Wikipedia.

Diane Lane plays a woman playing the woman Sandra Bullock played in The Blind Side. I really give her credit for attempting such an emotional role with so little available forehead movement. Age, woman, like the rest of us. It builds character.

John Malkovich sticks out like a sore thumb and not just because of his ridiculous wardrobe, which I assume is the result of a lazy costume designer googling "silly outfit" and going with it. No, Malkovich's apparent misplacement is more likely due to the fact that...well this is a Disney movie, and he's John Malkovich. His naturalistic and slightly unpredictable brand of performance doesn't work in such a contrived and predictable film. It really seems as though he's never memorized a line in his life and he does everything on his own time. This would be great if it weren't for his fellow actors who appear much on edge around him as if he may at any moment grow a tail and start racing around the track himself.

If you can get past the sappy moments (and there are many), at the heart of this story is a truly amazing horse. I wasn't around for Secretariat's vie for the Triple Crown but I'm going to assume it is one of the most exciting stories in horse racing history and this alone guarantees an entertaining film. The race scenes are particularly fun to watch, shot as they are. We feel like we are right in there with the horses. As far as films about underdog race horses coming from behind and winning it all go, it is definitely the best one ever (out of two).

As much as I can complain about the high "Disney factor" of this film, let it be known that I'm not immune to the classic sappy moments. I'm a mere human like everyone else. Therefore, I too found myself alternating between suppressing the urge to cry and the urge to cheer aloud while high five-ing the person next to me. It's an entertaining film, ok? I'm not ashamed...I'm a bit ashamed. But it is a great story of a great horse and that's enough for me (fist pump!).

Britfilms.tv is where it's at.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Dir. Jalmari Helander
Starring. Per Christian Ellefsen, Peeter Jakobi

Have you ever wondered what Christmas would be like if the legend of Santa Claus actually originated with a bunch of dirty old naked guys who kidnapped children? No, me neither. Because it's weird. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your current state of mental health, Finnish filmmaker Jalmari Helander did wonder and then he made a film about it.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is the feature length prequel to Helander's short films Rare Exports Inc. and Rare Exports: Official Safety Instructions. It tells the tale of a young boy, Pietari, who is determined to uncover the secret behind the strange happenings in his small town in northern Finland just before Christmas. From a series of explosions caused by a team of excavators on the nearby mountain, to a herd of inexplicably slaughtered reindeer, to mysteriously missing children, something's amiss in the town this Christmas, and Pietari makes it his mission to find out what.

Like the Rare Exports short films, A Christmas Tale points to the absurdity of the traditional Santa Claus myth (delayed spoiler alert, kiddies), by turning our beloved Father Christmas into a creepy villain. Sadly, in translating the original idea to feature length, A Christmas Tale lost much of the tone and humor that made the shorts work so well.

Remember that kid in school that didn't quite fit in with any one group because he tried too hard to be a bit of everything. You know, the one that wore a denim jacket covered in safety pins and Sid Vicious patches, but also played World of Warcraft and then tried out for the football team? Yeah, that's Rare Exports; it just doesn't completely succeed in any one thing. The dark moments weren't quite dark enough to make me feel anything but discomfort, and the funny moments weren't quite funny enough, again just making me uncomfortable. It doesn't even have the decency to be bad enough to be enjoyable out of pity. I'm not sure whose identitiy crisis is worse, the one this film suffers from, or the one thousands of mall Santas across the world will suffer from after seeing it.

It seems the people at Rare Exports headquarters have tried to amend this by slapping the film with the "cult" label. Granted it very well may become a cult film, but that's for audiences to decide, not them. It's cheating. It's like a get out of jail free card (which isn't really cheating, but is definitely not fair). When people claim a film is "destined to be a cult classic" (not their exact words) all I hear is, "We're really banking on DVD sales." It's like a politician who knows he's going to lose an election, focusing his campaign only on a selected minority group, for no other reason than to steal those votes from the leading candidate. Actually its probably nothing like that... just go with it. I'm the expert here.

Anyway, if you've got an appetite for a different kind of Santa film this Christmas, Rare Exports is exactly that. Unfortunately, it's not much more.

Britfilms.tv has my original review and lots more.

Let Me In

Dir. Matt Reeves
Starring. Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins

I have a dream that one day a universal law will be passed outlawing the remake of a film until at least 5 years after the release of the original. I am unfortunately not yet ruler of the universe, so until that time I am forced to wade through the skeptic tank of re-makes, re-dubs, re-imaginings, re-releases, re-duxes, re-inforcings, and re-mixes like everyone else. That being said, I am re-lieved to re-port (that's the last of the "re's," I promise) that Matt Reeves' Let Me In did not disappoint. In fact, it grabbed me from the opening scene and mercilessly sucked the cynic right out of me.

Drawing from its source material, John Ajvide Lindqvist's novel Let the Right One In and the Swedish film of the same name, Let Me In tells the story of a troubled boy, Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee), facing his adolescence virtually alone. He comes from a broken home and is friendless and bullied at school. Then he falls for a vampire. If you're thinking you've heard this whole vampire thing before, you haven't (unless of course you've read this book...or seen the original movie). But Abby (Chloe Grace Moretz), is no sparkly bottled-blood drinking vamp. She is a thirsty killer, a fact Owen must face when he learns the evil nature of his one true friend.

Let Me In is violent yet beautiful; disturbing yet incredibly moving. Reeves proves his affection for the subject matter and shows enough restraint during the gory bits to keep viewer eye-rolling at a minimum. An exceptional performance from Kodi Smit-McPhee grounds the supernatural elements in real human emotion and Michael Giacchino's score is arresting if not overpowering at times (or maybe that was just the wave of nostalgia I felt for Lost every time the strings kicked in). The result is a well orchestrated emotional thriller that touches on that primal human need for companionship.

Fans of Let the Right One In are surely tapping anxiously on their keyboards by now shouting into the abyss of the interweb, "Fine, fine, but how does it compare to the original?!" I know, I hear you. I have that power. Rest assured, little ones. Let Me In does right by your beloved Swedes. It is a faithful and compelling adaptation. Only a few scenes were given the "Hollywood treatment" and they were minor enough to be overlooked in the end. However, so were the moments in which Let Me In added something new to the story. So as to the question of whether or not this remake was entirely necessary, I stand firmly in the corner of the converted optimists. If Let Me In can expose a wider audience to the definition of what a modern horror film should be, this remake has my approval... and re-approval.

(Check out Britfilms.tv for this review and much, much more.)

Another Year

Dir. Mike Leigh
Starring. Jim Broadbent, Ruth Sheen, Lesley Manville

Another Year is a film about old people...hanging out with other old people...doing whatever it is that old people do, which I assume involves complaining about the postal service and blowing their nose into the same crusty bit of tissue over and over again and then sticking it back in their pocket. Or at least this is what I gathered from the first few minutes of the trailer I watched before getting bored and going back to watching youtube clips of puppies making cute noises.

Fortunately the film is nothing like my prejudgment, and when I finally managed to pull my head out of my own arse long enough to sit down and watch it, I was incredibly entertained. Another Year is so poignant and funny, its not just relevant to people on nursing home waiting lists.

The main characters are married couple Tom (Jim Broadbent) and Gerri (Ruth Sheen) and Another Year is just as advertised; a year spent with them. We follow the ups and downs of their lives as they love, laugh, work, entertain, comfort old friends and family, and gently prod their son to start his own family. It is truly a simple story of those lucky enough to have family, love, and companionship, and their relationships with those dealing with death, loneliness, disappointment, and regret.

The characters carry the film, and we would expect nothing less from director Mike Leigh. They are so three dimensional you will feel certain you know them in real life, or at least someone exactly like them. And because of this, its hard not to fall instantly in love with them.

Lesley Manville steals the show with her brilliant portrayal of Mary, Gerri's childless and husbandless work friend who desperately tries to stay positive in spite of her loneliness. She is altogether hilarious and tragic as she brings to life the sheer panic many women feel as they grow older and find themselves without a family to call their own.

Leigh's tender and genuine understanding of human relationships gives the film heart, humor, and hope. If you can bare to shut your laptop, silence your iphone, take out your ear phones and not send a single tweet for 130 minutes, I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how much you enjoy this film. It does require your attention and care to really get into it...but...if...you....just....sorry, I think I hear my phone ringing...

The Arbor

dir. Clio Bernard
starring. Manjinder Virk, Christine Bottomley, Danny Webb

It's difficult to label The Arbor with any kind of genre classification, which for me is a good thing. I usually think classifications are for things that are beyond my small realm of comprehension, like science and fine art and food groups. In that vein, The Arbor would be something like a tomato, or some weird fruit/veg/meat hybrid that's been created in a lab in Sweden. It's a docu-drama disguised as performance art wearing the cloak of a biopic. Or maybe its none of those things. Let me try that again. The Arbor is a film about the life of a playwright who wrote plays about her life with actors acting out the plays about her life with other actors acting out interviews about her life and her families' lives. Got it?

Once you manage to sort all that out, you'll find yourself following the tragic story of Bradford playwright Andrea Dunbar (who passed away in 1990) and her family, in particular her troubled daughter Lorraine (Manjinder Virk). It's heartwarming themes include drug abuse, alcoholism, prostitution, and domestic abuse of every kind. Selections of Dunbars' plays (Rita, Sue, and Bob Too being her most well known) are performed by actors outside of Dunbar's home in Bradford and appear to be so autobiographical its practically cheating. Despite myself not having any real familiarity with Dunbar's plays before seeing The Arbor, if they are in whole like the bits in the film, I pretty much get the idea. People yell at each other, then other people yell at each other, and then more people yell at each other. It's like my family plugged into an amplifier and turned up to 11. Thankfully that makes up only a portion of the film, the majority of which consists of audio interviews with the living members of Dunbar's family, which are performed via lip-sync by actors.

The Arbor is quite fascinating once you get past the Milli-Vanilli moments. The performances of the lip-syncing actors are truly amazing considering the time and preparation that must have gone into the achievement. Although I found the technique distracting at first, the stories they tell are so dramatically engaging I soon forgot they were actors. The film is innovative in the way it weaves performance with reality (as Dunbar's plays presumably did) which adds a compelling new layer to what otherwise could have been just another documentary. And despite the film being messy at times, director Clio Bernard, shows a strong understanding of how to delicately unfold a captivating story.

But be aware that The Arbor is no walk in the park... unless it's a really sad park and you're taking the walk at night and the only other people in the park are smack heads and homeless people. It's hard for me to claim that I actually enjoyed the film. I experienced it and I felt it and then I went home and called my mom to tell her that I love her. So, if you're willing to step into some depressing waters for the sake of catching an engrossing flick that takes documentary film making in a new and creative direction, it's definitely worth the heartache.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Dir. Tom Six
Starring. Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie

Finding yourself on the outside of your friends' recent fascination with jokes about being "centipeded"? Or maybe you've heard the story of The Human Centipede and are consumed with morbid curiosity? Either way, I'd be wasting my breath if I told you not to see this movie, as it would probably serve only to encourage you. Therefore, I can only give the facts, and perhaps that will be enough for you to make your own responsible and informed decision about seeing it, or at the very least it will be enough for you to know that when someone says, "I reckon I'd prefer the back of the centipede," you'll know to respond with, "Yeah right, I'll take the front for sure!"

Imagine all the typical ingredients for every horror movie ever made. Now, add one ridiculous, gruesome, gratuitous, all together quite pointless, yet undeniably original idea, and you've got The Human Centipede. Centipede is the demented brainchild of Dutch writer/director Tom Six, who apparently came up with the idea for the film while contemplating potential punishments for child molesters. "Stitch their mouths to the ass of a fat truck driver!" quipped Six, and unfortunately some time later The Human Centipede crawled its way into a theater near you.

So if your mind is too innocent and kindly to have figured out by now what exactly The Human Centipede entails, allow me to corrupt you, as I'm sure you'll hear it eventually. In the film, the centipede is a creature designed and executed by mad german scientist, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), and it consists of three drugged and kidnapped victims who are sewn together back to mouth; i.e. a siamese triplet connected by the gastric system. Two of these victims are our protagonists; some lovely lady tourists from America who go out for a night in Germany and "bite off more than they can chew." After the same old story of a flat tire on a rainy dark night, the lost friends end up on the doorstep of one Dr. Heiter, where they accept an invitation inside and some refreshments laced with roofies. Well you know how it goes... a few drinks, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know you're waking up on an operating table literally about to be eating your friend's shit.

Still intrigued? Seek psychiatric help. But know that you are not alone. I too felt the immediate need for visual satisfaction after having heard the premise of the movie, plagued with questions of "how?" "why?" and "does he really do it?" I was further encourage by the trailer which led me to believe I'd be in for an absurd and possibly even satirical foray into the horror torture genre, with cliche dialogue and poor acting, that would nonetheless provide an entertaining evening in. However, besides the horrendous acting and dialogue, I got none of that.

My question of "how" was already answered in the trailer by Dr. Heiter's very scientific diagrams featuring three gingerbread people on their hands and knees looking up each others arses. At least I was still compelled by the question of "does he really do it?" I would soon find out that yes...yes he does, and that's hardly a spoiler because it happens in the first act of the movie, and after that, one pretty much loses interest. Once our heroines are "centipeded" there is no suspense left at all and we can only sit and cringe through the rest of the film while we watch them suffer hopelessly. Furthermore the question of "why?" is never really answered satisfactorily at all and it seems wasn't given much thought in the first place. Perhaps Six thought that making Dr. Heiter German should be explanation enough. Regardless, it soon becomes clear that besides the initial shock of the heinous subject matter, there is nothing particularly entertaining or original about the film at all.

So, in the spirit of a mother warning a child against touching a hot stove, I can almost guarantee regret to the weary watcher when the film comes to a close. You will never be able to get back those 92 minutes of your life. But if you must see it, than so be it. Perhaps the sooner the world experiences the Centipede, the sooner it will go away.