Sucker Punch

Dir. Zack Snyder
Starring. Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone

I've seen a lot of films in my day. Some make me laugh. Some make me cry. But very rarely does a film ever make me angry. Yet, somehow, 'Sucker Punch' managed to leave me seething with anger at its own pointlessness. I'm a bit ashamed to say that. Eliciting such a strong reaction out of me gives this film too much credit.

I don't know what happened. What's not to love? A bunch of hot chicks in lingerie running around imaginary CGI worlds that are like visual orgies, while totally kicking ass in slow motion fight scenes, until they return to real world where they are whores/mental patients? Awesome! Oh, wait. That's right, I'm not a horny 15 year old boy who spends all his time watching internet porn and playing Xbox. Nor am I Zack Snyder.

That must be why the fantastic story of Baby Doll (Emily Browning) and her lovely cronies didn't sit well with me. Baby Doll is a youngish girl whose mother sadly dies in slow motion. It's extra sad because she lives somewhere where it rains every single day. She has an angry looking Step-Dad that turns out to be a heavily made up priest. They like to play hide and seek but he's always 'it' and she's not very good at hiding. She shoots a light bulb because light gives her headaches and she was trying to sleep. Then she discovers her sister fell asleep in the closet in the middle of the game. But actually no, she's bleeding so she might be dead. Also in slow motion. Baby Doll's secret priest-Step-Dad sends her to a mental institution where a bunch of other mentally insane but super hot girls live with stripper names like Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens), and Amber (Jamie Chung). But the mental institution is actually a brothel that's actually a portal into 'Kill Bill,' 'Lord of the Rings,' 'I, Robot,' and 'Dead Snow.' So the girls have to watch all those movies before they can escape. Or something like that.

You'll find I've put just about as much thought into that summary as Snyder did the plot of the film. An eye for an eye, mate.

I'm trying to imagine a world in which I would have been okay with this film. Maybe if it had some character development. Or maybe if it didn't try to throw some pretentious poetic meaningful theme into the mix and accepted that it was just a ridiculously self indulgent bit of eye candy. Maybe if it was a completely different movie. But no, it is what it is. And as if having to sit through it wasn't bad enough, Snyder adds insult to injury by claiming that I, a woman, should feel empowered by it. Maybe I should be. But I'm just a woman. I don't even know what empowered means let alone how to feel it. I'm far too busy curling my hair, going shoe shopping, and doing sexy dances in my underwear to have time for such advanced emotions.

Fun fact: this is the first film that has actually broken a law of physics. In it's creation it has also created a lack of creation. A giant vacuum in the universe. An empty void of stupidity. A black hole of mindlessness. Sounds pretty cool right? Even if it doesn't make any sense? See Mr. Snyder, I can do it too.

The Rite

Dir. Mikael Hafstrom
Starring. Anthony Hopkins, Colin O'Donoghue, Alice Braga

The Rite, according to its official description, is a horror film. It is meant to induce a feeling of unease, of discomfort, of fear. However, in adhering to pretty much every possible convention of modern horror, the Rite succeeds only in being obvious and predictable, at times even comical.

The story begins, of course, with our troubled hero, Michael Kovak, played by Colin O'Donoghue, whose performance is an awkward combination of Bert from Sesame Street and Bruce Campbell's forehead. This might have worked if it weren't in a film that took itself so seriously. He's a young man, trying to discover his path in life, and despite having no real affinity for Christian beliefs, he decides to go to seminary. The next thing we know, it's like a few years later and he's decided he doesn't want to become a priest after all. Now he's in Italy! Where he has been sent to take a class on exorcism, because why wouldn't you? (This is all based on a true story, mind you, so don't question it.) He makes his religious doubts known in class, so as an attempt to make him into a believer, his professor/priest sends him to visit Father Lucas (Anthony Hopkins), local exorcist guru. Here, Michael's doubts are tested and ultimately proved wrong as it is revealed (far too late in the story) that Father Lucas himself is possessed with a demon spirit.

All that is good about Anthony Hopkins' performance is canceled out by the poorly cast O'Donaghue, who is slightly too good looking to play a priest and not really good looking enough to play a leading man. If there's a Freddie Prinze Junior biopic in the works somewhere, I'd recommend giving this guy a call. Otherwise, let's try and keep him off our screens.

There's also a completely under-developed love story somewhere in the plot, which combined with the bleak aesthetic, and the incessantly ominous score, satisfies all of the basic components of a PG-13 horror flick. The only thing the filmmakers seem to have forgotten is the horror. The whole movie is foreboding which, by the end, feels completely unwarranted. It's like climbing a very tedious and creaky staircase, only to find at the top, there's an elevator waiting to take you quickly and comfortably back down.

By the end, I found myself actually rooting for the devil. If evil had triumphed, at least all of that foreboding would have been justified. Instead, the film chooses to solidify its lack of frights by way of a poorly executed religious message, which will undoubtedly fall flat on most of today's audiences. For all intents and purposes, fans of the exorcism genre may find this film amusing, if they take care not to expect anything new.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Dir. Jalmari Helander
Starring. Per Christian Ellefsen, Peeter Jakobi

Have you ever wondered what Christmas would be like if the legend of Santa Claus actually originated with a bunch of dirty old naked guys who kidnapped children? No, me neither. Because it's weird. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your current state of mental health, Finnish filmmaker Jalmari Helander did wonder and then he made a film about it.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is the feature length prequel to Helander's short films Rare Exports Inc. and Rare Exports: Official Safety Instructions. It tells the tale of a young boy, Pietari, who is determined to uncover the secret behind the strange happenings in his small town in northern Finland just before Christmas. From a series of explosions caused by a team of excavators on the nearby mountain, to a herd of inexplicably slaughtered reindeer, to mysteriously missing children, something's amiss in the town this Christmas, and Pietari makes it his mission to find out what.

Like the Rare Exports short films, A Christmas Tale points to the absurdity of the traditional Santa Claus myth (delayed spoiler alert, kiddies), by turning our beloved Father Christmas into a creepy villain. Sadly, in translating the original idea to feature length, A Christmas Tale lost much of the tone and humor that made the shorts work so well.

Remember that kid in school that didn't quite fit in with any one group because he tried too hard to be a bit of everything. You know, the one that wore a denim jacket covered in safety pins and Sid Vicious patches, but also played World of Warcraft and then tried out for the football team? Yeah, that's Rare Exports; it just doesn't completely succeed in any one thing. The dark moments weren't quite dark enough to make me feel anything but discomfort, and the funny moments weren't quite funny enough, again just making me uncomfortable. It doesn't even have the decency to be bad enough to be enjoyable out of pity. I'm not sure whose identitiy crisis is worse, the one this film suffers from, or the one thousands of mall Santas across the world will suffer from after seeing it.

It seems the people at Rare Exports headquarters have tried to amend this by slapping the film with the "cult" label. Granted it very well may become a cult film, but that's for audiences to decide, not them. It's cheating. It's like a get out of jail free card (which isn't really cheating, but is definitely not fair). When people claim a film is "destined to be a cult classic" (not their exact words) all I hear is, "We're really banking on DVD sales." It's like a politician who knows he's going to lose an election, focusing his campaign only on a selected minority group, for no other reason than to steal those votes from the leading candidate. Actually its probably nothing like that... just go with it. I'm the expert here.

Anyway, if you've got an appetite for a different kind of Santa film this Christmas, Rare Exports is exactly that. Unfortunately, it's not much more.

Britfilms.tv has my original review and lots more.

Let Me In

Dir. Matt Reeves
Starring. Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins

I have a dream that one day a universal law will be passed outlawing the remake of a film until at least 5 years after the release of the original. I am unfortunately not yet ruler of the universe, so until that time I am forced to wade through the skeptic tank of re-makes, re-dubs, re-imaginings, re-releases, re-duxes, re-inforcings, and re-mixes like everyone else. That being said, I am re-lieved to re-port (that's the last of the "re's," I promise) that Matt Reeves' Let Me In did not disappoint. In fact, it grabbed me from the opening scene and mercilessly sucked the cynic right out of me.

Drawing from its source material, John Ajvide Lindqvist's novel Let the Right One In and the Swedish film of the same name, Let Me In tells the story of a troubled boy, Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee), facing his adolescence virtually alone. He comes from a broken home and is friendless and bullied at school. Then he falls for a vampire. If you're thinking you've heard this whole vampire thing before, you haven't (unless of course you've read this book...or seen the original movie). But Abby (Chloe Grace Moretz), is no sparkly bottled-blood drinking vamp. She is a thirsty killer, a fact Owen must face when he learns the evil nature of his one true friend.

Let Me In is violent yet beautiful; disturbing yet incredibly moving. Reeves proves his affection for the subject matter and shows enough restraint during the gory bits to keep viewer eye-rolling at a minimum. An exceptional performance from Kodi Smit-McPhee grounds the supernatural elements in real human emotion and Michael Giacchino's score is arresting if not overpowering at times (or maybe that was just the wave of nostalgia I felt for Lost every time the strings kicked in). The result is a well orchestrated emotional thriller that touches on that primal human need for companionship.

Fans of Let the Right One In are surely tapping anxiously on their keyboards by now shouting into the abyss of the interweb, "Fine, fine, but how does it compare to the original?!" I know, I hear you. I have that power. Rest assured, little ones. Let Me In does right by your beloved Swedes. It is a faithful and compelling adaptation. Only a few scenes were given the "Hollywood treatment" and they were minor enough to be overlooked in the end. However, so were the moments in which Let Me In added something new to the story. So as to the question of whether or not this remake was entirely necessary, I stand firmly in the corner of the converted optimists. If Let Me In can expose a wider audience to the definition of what a modern horror film should be, this remake has my approval... and re-approval.

(Check out Britfilms.tv for this review and much, much more.)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Dir. Tom Six
Starring. Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie

Finding yourself on the outside of your friends' recent fascination with jokes about being "centipeded"? Or maybe you've heard the story of The Human Centipede and are consumed with morbid curiosity? Either way, I'd be wasting my breath if I told you not to see this movie, as it would probably serve only to encourage you. Therefore, I can only give the facts, and perhaps that will be enough for you to make your own responsible and informed decision about seeing it, or at the very least it will be enough for you to know that when someone says, "I reckon I'd prefer the back of the centipede," you'll know to respond with, "Yeah right, I'll take the front for sure!"

Imagine all the typical ingredients for every horror movie ever made. Now, add one ridiculous, gruesome, gratuitous, all together quite pointless, yet undeniably original idea, and you've got The Human Centipede. Centipede is the demented brainchild of Dutch writer/director Tom Six, who apparently came up with the idea for the film while contemplating potential punishments for child molesters. "Stitch their mouths to the ass of a fat truck driver!" quipped Six, and unfortunately some time later The Human Centipede crawled its way into a theater near you.

So if your mind is too innocent and kindly to have figured out by now what exactly The Human Centipede entails, allow me to corrupt you, as I'm sure you'll hear it eventually. In the film, the centipede is a creature designed and executed by mad german scientist, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), and it consists of three drugged and kidnapped victims who are sewn together back to mouth; i.e. a siamese triplet connected by the gastric system. Two of these victims are our protagonists; some lovely lady tourists from America who go out for a night in Germany and "bite off more than they can chew." After the same old story of a flat tire on a rainy dark night, the lost friends end up on the doorstep of one Dr. Heiter, where they accept an invitation inside and some refreshments laced with roofies. Well you know how it goes... a few drinks, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know you're waking up on an operating table literally about to be eating your friend's shit.

Still intrigued? Seek psychiatric help. But know that you are not alone. I too felt the immediate need for visual satisfaction after having heard the premise of the movie, plagued with questions of "how?" "why?" and "does he really do it?" I was further encourage by the trailer which led me to believe I'd be in for an absurd and possibly even satirical foray into the horror torture genre, with cliche dialogue and poor acting, that would nonetheless provide an entertaining evening in. However, besides the horrendous acting and dialogue, I got none of that.

My question of "how" was already answered in the trailer by Dr. Heiter's very scientific diagrams featuring three gingerbread people on their hands and knees looking up each others arses. At least I was still compelled by the question of "does he really do it?" I would soon find out that yes...yes he does, and that's hardly a spoiler because it happens in the first act of the movie, and after that, one pretty much loses interest. Once our heroines are "centipeded" there is no suspense left at all and we can only sit and cringe through the rest of the film while we watch them suffer hopelessly. Furthermore the question of "why?" is never really answered satisfactorily at all and it seems wasn't given much thought in the first place. Perhaps Six thought that making Dr. Heiter German should be explanation enough. Regardless, it soon becomes clear that besides the initial shock of the heinous subject matter, there is nothing particularly entertaining or original about the film at all.

So, in the spirit of a mother warning a child against touching a hot stove, I can almost guarantee regret to the weary watcher when the film comes to a close. You will never be able to get back those 92 minutes of your life. But if you must see it, than so be it. Perhaps the sooner the world experiences the Centipede, the sooner it will go away.