The Worst of Natalie Portman

Trust me, this hurts me as much as it hurts you. I can't remember a time when I didn't idolize Dame Natalie the Duchess du Portman. But now that everyone else has officially jumped on the bandwagon, I thought I would take the time to remind us all that the girl is human.

Goya's Ghosts (2006)
Genre. Really Sad
Dir. A guy that did some other good stuff
Starring. Anton Chiguhr, The Portster, One of the Saarsgaards

It's been a long time since that fateful day when I brought Goya's Ghosts home from Blockbuster (yes, we were still going to BLOCKBUSTER. That long ago.) So I'm afraid I can't offer a very thorough critique. But I'll try. Now, this was a time before the gentle guidance of Netflix's ratings and recommendations system, when we were forced to spend hours wandering aimlessly through aisles of thousands of DVDs, with naught but the cover design and the quotes of critical acclaim that often graced them to guide us in our choice. Goya's Ghosts obviously caught my eye because of the talented cast and because it boasted the same director as Amadeus and The English Patient. Unfortunately this promising combination proved unworthy of my $2.99 rental fee plus the cost of gas to and from Blockbuster. A fellow critic who writes for imdb.com message boards and goes by the name of Epicureum called the film "just another anglo-saxon libel full of furibund anti-Spanish racism and historical lies about Spain."

Well I don't know about that, Epicureum, but I do know that the film sucked. What I now recall, and what I evidently attempted to block from my memory, is the part in the film in which Natalie looks like this (image NSFW):

Jesus. No wonder I hated it.

Natalie Raps (2006)
Genre. Digital Short
Dir. Who knows.
Starring. Natalie, Andy Samberg

Ahh let us analyze the masterpiece that is Natalie Raps. A short film is an elusive and delicate art; one that requires a profound focus in order to manifest its individualized reflexivity and stand alone as a fulfillful work. No short demonstrates this accumulation better than Natalie Raps. It's a bold and intrepid work that is inundated with post-modern realisticism in which Natalie fearlessly declares herself as the true artiste and auteur that she truly is. Truthfully.

Star Wars Episodes I-III
Genre. CGI
Dir. Come on, you know this.
Starring. CGI

At least it's the good Star Warses.


No Strings Attached (2011)
Genre. comedy
Dir. Ivan Reitman
Starring. Ashton Kutcher, Cary Elwes

I know I shouldn't be condemning films based on their trailers alone, but if we didn't all spend our time passing judgment on things before actually knowing them, we'd be bored to tears. I do have to say despite the constant onslaught of shit that is this trailer, I might have laughed out loud a little when Nats goes, "You look like a pumpkin, bitch." I shall assume that that is the only mildly amusing moment in the whole film.