This is No Time for Singing: Most Awkward Musical Moments

Back in the 1940's and 1950's (and a bit of the 60's) when musicals had their heyday, things were good. People believed in the magic and glitz of Hollywood, and reveled in its singing and dancing stars. Audiences were high on life. Then in the 70's, real drugs came along, and watching Gene Kelly tap dance on a chair just wasn't enough anymore. People were angry with the government and the world and they had questions. Questions that a brilliantly choreographed dance number and Julie Andrew's perfect soprano could just no longer answer.

Since then, musicals have struggled to find their place in cinema. I attribute this to the fact that today's audiences just can't condone a promising storyline being suddenly interrupted by inexplicable music. For some reason we praise "reality" and "truth" and "profundity" and other such made up concepts.

Yet, some brave souls are desperately clinging on to the glory of the musical's past. Some have found success, like TV's "Glee," which parodies itself enough to be almost bearable, and 2006's Oscar grabbing "Chicago," which smartly justified its musical numbers as being part of the main character's imagination. Yet those that weren't clever enough to give reason to the involuntary outbursts of song suffer from some pretty awkward moments.

5. Moulin Rouge: Your Song

Like "Chicago," "Moulin Rouge" is a contemporary musical that understood the old conventions of film and theater musicals just don't fly anymore. With a storyline that centers around a dying prostitute, vibrant eye popping visuals, and a repertoire of songs that cover classic Rock and Pop ballads, "Moulin Rouge" attempted to make the musical accessible to modern cynical audiences. For about half of us, its quirky originality truly resonated. Everyone else thought it was a decadent spectacle or a superficial load of vomit. But, c'est la vie.

Nonetheless, I think we can all agree that it's never not awkward to break out in an Elton John song when a hooker is in the middle of trying to seduce you, and she's doing it by growling like a tiger and writhing around in a fur rug, even if you are Ewan McGregor. And although its awkwardness is intentional, I thought it had to make the list.



4. Sex and the City 2: Liza Minnelli sings "Single Ladies"

This movie may not be classified as a musical (most critics classify it as a giant pile of shit) but it does throw a bone to its gay musical loving fan base by way of a Liza Minnelli cameo. A tired and completely unfunny line about how having so much gay in one room will cause Ms. Minnelli to simply manifest, is supposed to serve as an explanation for this scene, which is so lame it's a bit offensive. I did really want to give props to the musical icon for getting up there and shaking it as she does, but I just can't. It's all so...wrong.



3. Mamma Mia: Dancing Queen

"Mamma Mia" clearly embraces the fact that it is just an annoying, campy, poorly sung bit of fluff. And that's fine. It might be a giant waste of time, money, and Meryl Streep's talent, but that's fine. What's not fine is forcing Ms. Streep to do a slow motion cheerleader toe-touch while jumping on a bed. NOT okay.



2. Rent: The scene where she dies and then comes back to life.

If I were on my deathbed with a room full of people who claimed to be my friends, I would want them to enlist the help of some kind of medical professional, rush me to the hospital, or take my last will and testament. The last thing I would want them to do is break out into song. Awwwkwwward.



1. Cop Rock: All of "Cop Rock"

To anyone not yet acquainted with "Cop Rock," prepare to be severely enlightened. Back in 1990, television producer Steven Bochco was fresh off of some of TV's greatest successes, like "LA Law," "Hill Street Blues", and "Doogie Howser, M.D." Having truly proved his worth as a series creator, he did what any self respecting producer would do: take advantage of the network's trust to make a purely self-indulgent, completely ahead of it's time cop drama/musical. Due to it's excessive cost (almost 2 mill an episode) and low ratings (the general public will never be prepared for something with such a high caliber of awesome), "Cop Rock" was pulled after 11 episodes, not even making it through a full season. But I think if there's anything to be learned from this lesson in awkwardness it's:

Let's be careful out there, and when shit gets rough, let's harmonize.

Red Riding Hood

Dir. Catherine Hardwicke
Starring. Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Billy Burke

Many of us may a feel overwhelmed by the giant wave (or tsunami if you feel like you want to add a little tastelessness to your day) of live action fairy tale remakes coursing through Hollywood. If you haven't been keeping up, this includes three different Snow Whites, a Hansel and Gretel, the already released Beauty and the Beast modernization "Beastly", and a few Peter Pan prequels. No news as to whether or not my Little Miss Muffet screenplay has been optioned. I will keep you updated.

Red Riding Hood is just the beginning of what promises to be a quickly exhausted studio trend. If I had any hope that this fad was going to turn classic tales into darkly foreboding masterpieces in the vein of 2006's "Pan's Labyrinth," "Red Riding Hood" was first in line to dash those hopes to bits.

Catherine Hardwicke, who has been embarrassingly hailed as the most successful female director in Hollywood, helms this bland re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf in which Red is a pouty, wide-eyed, teenager, Valerie (Amanda Seyfried), and the baddie is a werewolf terrorizing her village. When Father Soloman (Oldman) arrives on the scene, he informs the villagers that anyone of them could be the wolf, including either of Valerie's two handsome-ish suitors, thus inciting a paranoid witch hunt. This could have made for a fun twist on the old tale, but the whodunnit nature of the story just feels tired and fails to produce any actual twists.

Hardwicke is clearly milking her undeserved Twilight success for all it's worth, by once again portraying a young girl experiencing a sexual awakening that is fueled by danger and supernatural powers, starring a lot of pale people in a world that is overly color corrected to an unnatural blueish green. Unfortunately, this is a very poor attempt at recapturing whatever it is about Twilight that managed to ensnare the imaginations of women (and possibly men) of all ages the world over. It so completely misses the mark, it just feels like a desperate shot in the dark by someone who never fully understood what it was she was aiming for in the first place.

I can't imagine even the most prudish of teens will find this particularly sexy. The few kissing scenes just felt awkward. I found myself wondering if the actors were somehow related in real life (they aren't). Instead, it is just a case of the well cast Seyfried desperately trying to spark some chemistry, while her male counterparts just seem a bit lost or possibly harmfully restricted by their tight leather pants. It makes for a passion that is lukewarm at best.

Overall, this film is shallow and ridiculous and vastly misdirected, but ultimately harmless. Let's just hope everyone else with fairy tale remakes on their agendas are taking notes on what not to do.

Sucker Punch

Dir. Zack Snyder
Starring. Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone

I've seen a lot of films in my day. Some make me laugh. Some make me cry. But very rarely does a film ever make me angry. Yet, somehow, 'Sucker Punch' managed to leave me seething with anger at its own pointlessness. I'm a bit ashamed to say that. Eliciting such a strong reaction out of me gives this film too much credit.

I don't know what happened. What's not to love? A bunch of hot chicks in lingerie running around imaginary CGI worlds that are like visual orgies, while totally kicking ass in slow motion fight scenes, until they return to real world where they are whores/mental patients? Awesome! Oh, wait. That's right, I'm not a horny 15 year old boy who spends all his time watching internet porn and playing Xbox. Nor am I Zack Snyder.

That must be why the fantastic story of Baby Doll (Emily Browning) and her lovely cronies didn't sit well with me. Baby Doll is a youngish girl whose mother sadly dies in slow motion. It's extra sad because she lives somewhere where it rains every single day. She has an angry looking Step-Dad that turns out to be a heavily made up priest. They like to play hide and seek but he's always 'it' and she's not very good at hiding. She shoots a light bulb because light gives her headaches and she was trying to sleep. Then she discovers her sister fell asleep in the closet in the middle of the game. But actually no, she's bleeding so she might be dead. Also in slow motion. Baby Doll's secret priest-Step-Dad sends her to a mental institution where a bunch of other mentally insane but super hot girls live with stripper names like Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens), and Amber (Jamie Chung). But the mental institution is actually a brothel that's actually a portal into 'Kill Bill,' 'Lord of the Rings,' 'I, Robot,' and 'Dead Snow.' So the girls have to watch all those movies before they can escape. Or something like that.

You'll find I've put just about as much thought into that summary as Snyder did the plot of the film. An eye for an eye, mate.

I'm trying to imagine a world in which I would have been okay with this film. Maybe if it had some character development. Or maybe if it didn't try to throw some pretentious poetic meaningful theme into the mix and accepted that it was just a ridiculously self indulgent bit of eye candy. Maybe if it was a completely different movie. But no, it is what it is. And as if having to sit through it wasn't bad enough, Snyder adds insult to injury by claiming that I, a woman, should feel empowered by it. Maybe I should be. But I'm just a woman. I don't even know what empowered means let alone how to feel it. I'm far too busy curling my hair, going shoe shopping, and doing sexy dances in my underwear to have time for such advanced emotions.

Fun fact: this is the first film that has actually broken a law of physics. In it's creation it has also created a lack of creation. A giant vacuum in the universe. An empty void of stupidity. A black hole of mindlessness. Sounds pretty cool right? Even if it doesn't make any sense? See Mr. Snyder, I can do it too.

Killing Bono

Dir. Nick Hamm
Starring. Ben Barnes, Robert Sheehan, Pete Postlethwaite

Talk about a winning title. I mean, that's all the marketing you need, really. Who's going to go see something called 'Source Code,' which sounds like a computer programming movie about the invention of binary code, when they could see something that promises the attempted murder of the worlds most self satisfied rock star. Brilliant.

In actuality 'Killing Bono' isn't about a calculated assassination attempt on Bono as one might hope/suspect. It is a film based loosely on the true story of the McCormick brothers, Bono's schoolmates, who started a band around the same time he did and struggled endlessly to find success while U2 swiftly rose to fame and fortune. Older brother Neil (Ben Barnes) is the frontman and maker of the bands decisions (almost always bad ones) and guitar playing younger brother Ivan (Robert Sheehan) is left to face the consequences and lament on missed opportunities.

Killing Bono is often silly, occasionally funny, mostly ridiculous, but all around fun, exactly as a good hearted Rock 'n' Roll film ought to be. It doesn't miss a beat, as the McCormick brothers are constantly trying to catch a break, failing miserably, then getting back up and trying again. Their story reminds me a bit of Anvil! but somehow much less heartbreaking.

My only complaint of this film is that I found it hard to believe that anybody who truly wanted to succeed at something could manage to make literally all of the wrong decisions in their journey of trying to achieve it. Neil is a difficult protagonist to get behind because we know every time a good opportunity is about to come up, he will inevitably blow it, usually because of his wounded pride and jealousy over Bono's success and his own failure. Luckily the talented Sheehan makes Ivan a worthy antidote to Neil's frustrating stupidity and stubbornness. Also Martin McCann is so charming and winsome as the eponymous rock star, it almost made me like the real Bono, consequently. I said almost.

But possibly the star of the film is the stylist. It's truly a hilarious history lesson in Rock fashion as the McCormick brothers desperately and whole heartedly buy into every trend and movement the rock genre has gone through. One scene they are dressed punk, the next Glam rock, then heavy metal. Before you know it Ivan is donning a curly mullet and a trench coat. I don't even know what genre that fits into, but it was awesome. It is in this identity crisis that one can try and find a bit of a message in the film. Maybe they didn't succeed because instead of creating their own identity they tried to mimic whatever trend was the success at the time...so without confidence in yourself and your own image, you won't succeed...or something like that.

Don't think too hard about it because this film is just meant to be enjoyed and unlike its two main characters, it knows exactly what it is, and strongly succeeds in being it.

Hop

Dir. Tim Hill
Starring. James Marsden, Russell Brand, Hugh Laurie

So, you're looking for a good Easter film, huh? You could go with 'The Passion of the Christ,' but let's face it; is that really the film you want to be watching when your family's gathered around the living room exhausted from the battle royale-style Easter egg hunt, nursing chocolate bunny induced stomach aches, itching to get out of their Easter Sunday best clothes? No! You want a silly movie about bunnies that poop jelly beans, and adorable chicks with silly voices, and a magical candy factory hidden in the mouth of those statues on Easter Island. You want 'Hop.'

'Hop' features the voice of Russel Brand as animated rabbit E.B., son of the Easter Bunny (voiced by Hugh Laurie), and next in line to take over all Easter duties. But, once E.B. hits his rebellious teenage years, he decides to denounce his inheritance and run away to Hollywood to pursue a career as a drummer. He hooks up with Fred O'Hare (James Marsden), an unemployed failure-to-launch 20-something with father issues of his own. E.B.'s antics undermine all of Fred's attempts to get his life in order, especially once the Easter Special Ops team, the Pink Berets, come to kidnap E.B. and take him back to Easter Island.

Not to be that annoying person who over analyzes a kid's film....well no, that's exactly what I'm going to do. There seem to be some important plot elements that were overlooked. First of all, they never gave much thought to the issue of how people would react to a walking, talking, drum playing, rabbit. At first you think they might go the route that only Fred can actually see E.B., but then other people start to interact with him (and not just blind people and the Hoff) without blinking twice. Then there's the EasterMobile which appears to be powered and flown by a flock of chicks. Chicks can't fly. It is completely illogical and not even cool looking enough to excuse the gross breaches in the laws of physics. Not to mention Hershey's Chocolate Kisses™ and Peeps™ would never be manufactured in the same factory due to brand conflicts. Come on.

But yeah, yeah, I hear you; it's a kids movie. Most children would never notice nor care about these sorts of details. I only point them out because it's a symptom of the entire film, which is to assume that cuteness and candy and bright colors are all our kids need to be entertained. Who needs plot when you have dancing baby animals, right? Well, having seen it in a theater crawling with little ones, I can attest to otherwise. There were very few, if any, laughs from my audience, which is surprising considering everyone was all hopped up on (pun intended) frosted cookies and juice. Maybe they had so much fun at the screening's pre-party, the film was just anti-climactic. I don't blame them. It's hard for an animated rabbit in a plaid shirt to hold your attention when there is a pen filled with real bunnies just outside the theater (seriously, live bunnies. Oh. Em. Gee.)

Hop's assault of cuteness is just too shallow and too cliche to be at all engaging. These are our kids. Let's give them some credit. We can't stop bragging about how gifted they are to the neighbors, so let's put our money where our mouths are and give them a film with some substance. They shouldn't have to settle for this heaping pile of...jelly beans.

Oranges and Sunshine

Dir. Jim Loach
Starring. Emily Watson, Hugo Weaving, David Wenham

Historically based films can be very powerful. In many cases, there are parts of our history that are hardly known, and would never gain enough attention to really be known until a filmmaker comes along, stumbles onto the story, and puts it on screen. That is quite possibly the case with 'Oranges and Sunshine.'

This is the story of Margaret Humphreys (Emily Watson) a Nottingham social worker who one night in 1987, encounters an Australian woman claiming to have been deported to Australia from the U.K. as a child. Humphreys soon discovers other people with similar histories, most of whom were in childrens' homes until they were told that their parents had passed away and were promised better lives in Australia. In reality, the Australian government didn't have much of a plan for these children either, so many faced worse lives there. Humphreys worked tirelessly to uncover the truths about these migrants, helping them to learn about their origins and in some cases re-unite them with families they never knew they had. The film covers her discovery of the migrant schemes, and the progression of her work with those affected. As her involvement in their stories and her relationships with them grow, she struggles to balance her work with her personal life; trying to keep in touch with her own family as she works to unite strangers with theirs.

It seems that although many people are aware of this rather recent history, they don't know much about the scale of the organized deportation, the effect it had on many peoples lives, or the story of the woman who uncovered the schemes. Because of that, 'Oranges and Sunshine' tells a fascinating and heartbreaking story. It opens our eyes to a history that may be painful to accept. It wasn't until 2009 and 2010, that the British and Australian governments issued official apologies to the child migrants, finally accepting responsibility.

Emily Watson plays Humphreys with a subtle grace and strong determination. Margaret is an inspiring woman and Watson truly portrays her ability to keep composed in the face of the horrors she uncovers, only to later be almost consumed by them. Hugo Weaving is also exceptional as Jack, a troubled man desperate to find his mother. He is a tragic example of how difficult it is to know who you are, when you don't know where you came from.

It's an incredibly interesting story, but the film struggles to tell it in a consistently interesting way. Although there is nothing wrong with divulging from traditional story structure, 'Oranges and Sunshine' can't seem to settle into a working structure of its own. After the first act, it loses its momentum and starts to feel like a heavy, lengthy, melodrama.

Had it been a bit shorter, and a bit more focused, it would have really been a memorable film. But as is, it's just a historical drama about an inspiring woman that makes for a somewhat less inspiring film.

Source Code

Dir. Duncan Jones
Starring. Jake Gyllenhaal, Vera Farmiga, Michelle Monaghan

We begin with a classic scenario. A man wakes up to find he doesn't know who he is, where he is, or how he got there. It's an excellent start to any story. Instantly we are interested. We are with this character 100%, trying to get answers. And it is in those first few minutes, that Source Code has us hooked. The problem then, is keeping us on the line.

Eventually we find out that Captain Colter Stevens, (Jake Gyllenhaal) has just woken up in another mans body on a train to Chicago, because he is part of a government experiment which allows him to relive the last 8 minutes of this man's life. After these 8 minutes, the train blows up. Stevens is continually sent back into this scenario, each time to make a different attempt at finding out who bombed the train, so that the terrorist can be caught and prevented from future bombings. He is working to protect the future, but he soon begins to wonder: can he also change the past?

As you can imagine, it doesn't make for the most original plot structure. It's a bit like Run Lola Run and Groundhog's Day had a baby with Quantum Leap. Fortunately the idea of the technology behind this time loop tale and the specifics of its behaviors are original enough to keep an audience interested. And just in case your mind does start to wander, there's a big explosion every 8 minutes. BAM! You're right back in it. It's a clever device that I wish I could use to keep audiences interested in my reviews.

BAM! Keep reading.

Director Duncan Jones, who previously proved his ability to master the Sci-fi genre with 'Moon,' seems to get caught up in the conventions of the blockbuster here. Or perhaps the difference is simply that he was the writer of 'Moon,' a credit which he does not claim with 'Source Code.' Either way, the story fails to take off or expand from its original idea, and by the end it all feels a bit too Hollywood cliche to warrant a 'must see' rating.

Nonetheless, this is an enjoyable action-packed movie that really grabs you from the start. It just has a bit of trouble holding on.

Country Strong

Dir. Shana Fest
Starring. Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim McGraw, Garrett Hedlund

It's no secret that we are fascinated by celebrity. I, for one, almost crapped my pants when I saw Keira Knightley at a bar the other night. So, by now, we're all pretty accustomed to the classic tale of the once great celeb who suffers an alcohol/drug induced meltdown, gets arrested, goes to rehab, makes a heartfelt apology, and then attempts a comeback. Everyday it's plastered on the magazine shelves, the internet, and television. The point is, we get it. Therefore, in order to justify a 2 hour movie on the subject, you better bring something new. And Country Strong is about as recycled as it gets.

Gwyneth Paltrow stars as fictitious famous country singer, Kelly Canter, who is pulled out of rehab early by her manager husband, James (McGraw), to start her comeback tour. She agrees but insists on an opening spot for rehab worker and part time lover, Beau (Garrett Hedlund), who is a talented singer/songwriter known only to those who frequent the sleaziest of bars. But James has another opener in mind: former beauty queen and peppy youngster, Chiles Stanton (Leighton Meester). Eventually, they all head off on tour together, providing the catalyst for a sloppy melodramatic love square to develop. Tensions rise; hearts are broken; songs are sung; hair is teased ever higher, but none of it makes for very good entertainment.

Maybe the filmmakers thought the film would survive on the novelty of Paltrow debuting her vocal talents (nobody actually saw Duets, after all), but then Glee beat 'em to that. Maybe they thought they could feature a few good country songs and that'd make the film worth seeing. Well, despite the Oscar Nom for "Coming Home," that didn't work either. You may get a few country music fans who will pick up the soundtrack when it goes on a half price special sale at Wal-Mart, but that don't mean y'all got yerselves a decent movie.

There is rarely if ever an honest moment in this film. Every scene feels contrived and cliche. It's hard to actually care about the relationships because they are so poorly developed. None of the characters actually seem to care that much about each other, so why should we care that much about them? It's like watching a 2 hour recap of a soap opera you've never actually seen before, but with a lot less plot. If you can believe that.

Paltrow gives a decent performance, as does McGraw, but no amount of convincing crying would be enough to save this sinking ship of a script. As if half the world didn't already think country music was shallow and insipid. Now we've got a whole film to prove it. Thanks. "Coming Home?" More like "Going Home"...from the movie theater after about 20 minutes of this sap-fest and asking for my money back. I'd rather just spend it on the latest OK! magazine.

Submarine

Dir. Richard Ayoade
Starring. Sally Hawkins, Craig Roberts, Noah Taylor

I never tire of a good coming of age story. Maybe it's because I didn't really understand what the phrase even meant until I came out of my own adolescence and was like 'Oh, was that me coming of age? That period of time I accidentally dyed my hair the color of rust and had legs like a baby giraffe? And now I don't anymore? I get it now."

Anyway, it is ironically a genre that just doesn't get old. It gives teens an outlet for all that angst; a chance to realize they aren't alone in their struggles. And for us oldies, it's a chance to look back fondly on our formative years and rejoice that we made it out of them alive. Every generation needs their own great coming of age tale, and if Submarine is not well on it's way to becoming this generation's, it damn well should be.

Meet the films pubescent hero, Oliver Tate (Craig Roberts). He enjoys long walks on the beach, keeping close track of his parents sex life, and reading the dictionary. He even had a brief hat phase. But most of all he likes Jordana (Yasmin Paige), a pretty but confusingly aloof young pyro with whom he has a budding romance. As their relationship progresses, Oliver faces an increasingly tense situation at home with the decay of his parents marriage. He does all he can to save it by preventing his mother (Sally Hawkins) from having an affair with her ex-lover and next door neighbor, a New Agey spiritual leader and possible ninja (Paddy Considine). Through all of this, Oliver tries to figure out who he is, who he wants to be, and how he can become it.

Every scene in this film is charming and poignant. It's carried by the excellent Craig Roberts who is loveably awkward in a Michael Cera kind of way, only far more dynamic. Sally Hawkins contributes to many of the films most brilliant moments and it's really great to see her showcase her talents, even in a supporting role. This is an exceptionally promising debut film from director Richard Ayoade. His influences are quite clear: it's like a Woody Allen script, shot and cut by Godard, and meant to feel like Wes Anderson. But more importantly it's an Ayoade film, and his voice shines through these similarities with enough originality to give the film resonance.

Oh god, I'm gushing. This is embarrassing. I don't even know who I am any more. But seriously, just try and say something bad about this film. Try! I will hunt you down. And have a reasonably adult conversational debate with you, where you will say something like 'Well the story was predictable and basically the same as most coming of age tales.' To which I will calmly reply 'Perhaps it is a classic story, but it's done to perfection and all of the observations and jokes were refreshingly original.' Thus I will ultimately prove you wrong and you will concede to never doubting me again. Failing that, I will beat you over the head with an Age of the Dragons DVD (which is more humane than making you watch it.)

So, go on generation me or x or y or i or iphone or tweeter or whoever you are, get yourself to a theater this Friday. And don't even think about illegally downloading it to your ipads. I'll hunt you down for that too. No, I don't have the resources or manpower for that kind of operation but I assure you, this is a film worth paying for.

His and Hers

Dir. Ken Wardrop

With Mother's Day almost around the corner (don't panic, you've got a few weeks left) and International Women's Day upon us, what better way to treat that special lady in your life than to take her to a film that celebrates all that she is? I give you His and Hers, a charming documentary that features anecdotes from 70 different Irish women of all different ages and stages in life, and focuses on their relationships with the opposite sex. It does so with grace, tenderness, poise, and sense of humor, attempting to portray just what it means to be a woman today.

The film begins with a lovely sequence that moves from an infant girl to a baby learning to crawl, to a tot taking a few tentative steps, to a toddler racing through the house, finally settling in on a chatty youngster to begin its stories. It continues this way with each girl a bit further along in life than the one before her, in order to span the entire lifetime of the 'typical' modern woman. Each woman is different, but they are made equal by the focusing of their stories on their relationships with the men in their lives. The child talks about pleasing her dad. The young teen giggles while texting a boy who seeks her affections. A twenty-something discusses waiting for her boyfriend to propose. Eventually it features newlyweds, new mothers, older mothers, and on and on through to several women who have out lived their spouses and find themselves possibly for the first time in their lives, without a man.

It is a simple premise carried out almost to perfection by director Ken Wardrop. Each woman is beautifully framed somewhere in her home, often in the midst of performing an everyday task like picking up after her teenage son or changing the sheets. Each shot is carefully composed, often through a doorway or in front of a window with a long depth of focus giving it many layers, perhaps to symbolize the many layers of the women on screen. These women are approached with an obvious affection and it makes sense that Wardrop made the film in honor of his own mother. Because of this, his subjects are at ease in front of the camera, creating very genuine and poignant moments. Structurally the film doesn't follow a traditional story arc at all, but the women featured are entertaining enough in their own right to hold interest, and the superb editing ensures that the film never drags on.

Unfortunately, the film by its nature did portray women as rather dependent on the men in their lives. It seems implied that all of these women's lives follow the same kind of trajectory: childhood, motherhood, old age, death. Careers were rarely if ever mentioned and there are no women featured who grew up to do anything other than raise a family. I'm no raging feminist but, by only showing them in the home it feels as if that is their place and their purpose, although I don't suppose this was the filmmaker's intention. For many woman, this is the path their lives take and they are quite happy to fulfill it. For them, the film holds true. It just seems a bit a variety would have been better representative of the majority of women in this day and age.

Nonetheless the film was rather heartwarming and being of the represented gender I did find it relatable. However, whichever gender you identify with, you're bound to know someone with whom this film will resonate (unless the only women you know are die hard feminists). So, share 'His and Hers' with your wife, mum, daughter, girlfriend, grandmother, sister, aunt, in-law, best friend...This film is best enjoyed together.

Archipelago

Dir. Joanna Hogg
Starring. Tom Hiddleston, Kate Fahy

One of the most frustrating things for a movie lover to see is a film that hints at a great talent behind the camera, but as a whole just doesn't quite work. For me, Archipelago was a perfect example of this kind of misstep. It managed to touch on the potential of writer/director Joanna Hogg, but in the end fell quite short of showcasing it.

Set in the Isles of Scilly, Archipelago is an honest and bleak look at the dynamic of a wealthy family desperate to keep things pleasant and together while on holiday. Elder son Edward (Tom Hiddleston) has recently committed to moving to Africa for eleven months to do volunteer work, so, as a final farewell to him, his mother (Kate Fahy) gathers the family to their vacation home. His opinionated sister Cynthia (Lydia Leonard) attends, if a bit begrudgingly, and a hired cook, Rose (Amy Lloyd), and painting teacher, Christopher (Christopher Baker), round out the group. The only person missing is Edward and Cynthia's father whose only presence in the film is several increasingly tense phone calls. Although the holiday started out with good intentions, it threatens to unravel as deep seated emotions between the characters begin to surface.

This film certainly portraits that state boredom and aimlessness that is often symptomatic of an upper class family. Edward has created an existential crisis for himself and is determined to be stuck in it, ironically, in an attempt to bring a bit of meaning into his life. He has turned to what he imagines to be a humble solution to his problems; charity work. Unfortunately, charity for selfish reasons doesn't make one charitable, nor will it bring him the kind of self-actualisation he hopes. Although he probably suspects this, he refuses to admit it and insists on defending his decision to move to Africa to his mother and disapproving sister. He develops a misguided affection for Rose, who despite representing the working class, is very much above her unhappy employers in everything but financial status. Although Christopher is also employed by the family he is quite different from Rose with his pseudo-intellectual self-declared artistic nature. He is a profoundly annoying but often very funny character. He embodies someone who claims to have found enlightenment through his art and professes to share this with his students. It's hard to tell who is the bigger schmuck, him, or the people that buy into him.

There were several scenes in Archipelago that were so funny and well-observed they were almost enough to save the rest of the film. Almost...but not quite. These scenes were near perfect and featured great performances from the actors. They were authentic and awkward and just about brilliant. I found myself thinking, "Here is a great voice of a female filmmaker in the making." But then the film just kept going on, and nothing much happened, and by the end I'd all but forgotten about those promising moments.

I assume Hogg was attempting a story more impressionistic than dramatically engaging, but it really just felt like something was missing. For a film about almost all unlikable characters, I suspect there has to be some kind of mildly cathartic moment just to give the characters and audience a sense of redemption. Otherwise, all the tension and the build up in the relationships never really comes to fruition, as is the case here. Archipelago could have made a great 10 minute short film, but there was just not enough plot to support the full running time. Nonetheless, I'm eager to see more from Hogg. If she can fully realize her vision into a film with a bit more of a narrative arc...well, that will be something to write home about.

Age of the Dragons

Dir. Ryan Little
Starring. Danny Glover, Vinnie Jones, Corey Sevier

As someone who is well-versed in such Syfy Original Movies as 'Bats: Human Harvest,' 'Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys,' 'Sharktopus,' and 'Monsterwolf,' I knew I'd need the same goggles I wear to enjoy those films, for my screening of 'Age of Dragons.' For those of you who have the grave misfortune of not yet being acquainted with this film, allow me to elaborate. For years Herman Mellville's "masterpiece" Moby Dick sat on the shelves of bookstores gathering dust. No one had the forethought or the audacity to give it the attention it truly needed: a cinematic re-telling replacing the whale with a dragon and starring Danny Glover and Vinnie Jones...Until now.

That's right, literary scholars. I know you haven't been this excited since the invention of the printing press, but calm down, because it has happened. I give you Danny Glover playing Captain Ahab, a man obsessed with revenge after a childhood encounter with the elusive white dragon left him with a dead sister and a badly singed face and body. Henceforth, he spent the rest of his life hunting the dragon. Cue young Ishmael (Corey Sevier), an expert harpoonist hoping to join Ahab's crew with his Eskimo friend, Emile Hirsch. They want to bring down some dragons in order to sell some sort of glowing liquid which is valuable for some reason or another. The crew includes Stubbs (Vinnie Jones) and Rachel (Sofia Pernas), Ahab's daughter and love interest to pretty much everybody in the film because she's the only female. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say liberties may have been taken.

Despite having some pretty solid source material to go off of, 'Age of Dragons' suffers from a few glaring plot loopholes. For example, despite all of the crew knowing from the get-go about Ahab's obsession with finding the white dragon, they are all surprised and subsequently outraged when they are ordered to abandon the quest for the secret dragon ooze and go after Whitey. Were they not listening to the narration? Also, since dragons live on land and not in the sea, Ahab's ship has been turned into a sort of Noah's Ark on wheels. Well, I assume that it's on wheels, but I can't say for sure because the source which propels this craft is never revealed. I can't help but picture the film's entire crew inside the thing, pushing it, wishing they'd never responded to the Craig's List ad: "Strong Grips Needed for Moby Dick Remake."

Additionally, the dialogue is delightfully bad. It teeters dangerously on the line between modern prose and desperate attempts at Old English. It has that classic problem of all the characters sounding exactly the same, except for Vinnie Jones who's probably the only one with an accent. There's also an utterly redundant strain of narration that constantly gives us useful information like: "We slept in the cabin most nights," over a shot of them sleeping in the cabin most nights. The special effects are striking...in that you are struck wondering whether or not they were done in iMovie, or whether or not that's the same backwards flowing waterfall as in Anaconda. Danny Glover, when asked to comment said, "I'm too old for this shit."*

Rant and rant as I love to do, I can at least say one thing: the film was entertaining...except for when it was supposed to be entertaining, in which case, it was kind of boring. But if you've got love for the whole B movie Sci-Fi Dragon quest thing, I can almost guarantee you won't be let down. If that's what you're after, it delivers on some to most fronts. You know what I always say, "Keep those expectations low and you'll never be disappointed."

*I have never spoken to Danny Glover. He has had absolutely no contact with me or this review. The views and opinions expressed in the interviews and/or commentaries are solely of the individuals and are not the views of BRITFILMS.TV, its parent, affiliate, or subsidiary companies.

The Tempest

Dir. Julie Taymor
Starring. Helen Mirren, Felicity Jones, Russell Brand

Shakespeare's The Tempest is the thrilling tale of a mysterious island, conjured storms, magical spirits, illusion, betrayal, love at first sight, and sorcery. You would think with the cinematic technologies of today, that would make for an epic adventure of a film. Especially when said film includes a talented cast and a visionary director. So...what was it that I just saw?

The film's script sticks closely to the Bard's narrative in all but changing the main character of Prospero to the female Prospera, played by Helen Mirren. Thus it is the story of the exiled Duchess of Milan, who has raised her daughter Miranda (Felicity Jones) on a mostly deserted island, with naught but a beast called Caliban (Djimon Hounsou) and a magical spirit, Ariel (Ben Whishaw) as their sole companions and servants. Prospera is learned in the magical arts, a talent that brought about her exile, and she manages to summon a great tempest to bring down a ship carrying her enemies. She then strands them about the island and through a series of manipulations and illusions, she tests her foes, eventually taking her revenge.

The decision to change Prospero's gender proves successful, as it adds a new dimension to her exile via witchcraft, a fate many powerful and intelligent women have suffered in the past. Also, the character's treatment of daughter Miranda becomes more understandably maternal, rather than oppressively patriarchal and mildly creepy as it would have come across with Shakespeare's original father figure. Helen Mirren shines in the role as well, and it becomes hard to imagine anyone else, let alone a man, filling those shoes.

So the question remains: What went wrong? Why was my only real emotional investment in the film trying to figure out whether or not Ariel had breasts? Let's pretend for a second that I'm not a product of the proverbial "MTV generation." Let's pretend that I do have an attention span long enough to focus throughout a film of entirely Shakespearean dialogue. Try as I did to follow every line, never having closely studied The Tempest, I think much of the nuance and allusion in the text might have been lost on me. Methinks I shall not be the only poor sod in the audience wondering what the fen-sucked codpiece they were all on about.

But let's assume that's not the biggest issue here. Honestly, there was just no common thread of an idea, evidence of pacing, or entertaining factor to the film at all. I suspect with different direction, Shakespeare's words could have been better brought to life. Director Julie Taymor has been so heralded for her innovative use of staging in theatre (i.e.The Lion King), but it's clear she's not the slightest idea how to navigate a film set. Her direction is so heavy handed, you really have to work to avoid it in order to appreciate the story and the strong performances from the cast.

The terrible visual effects (namely the annoying spirit lady/bloke, Ariel) look like they were merely stamped onto the film as a consideration after the fact. Taymor probably put the same amount of thought into them as she did the safety regulations for her Spider Man musical. Even the beautiful production design and the extremely creative costumes only serve as distractions from the blandness of the rest of the film.

Try as it does to be visually exciting and original, this mess of a film is just too unfocused and too dull to make Shakespeare's tale accessible for today's audiences.

Rango

Dir. Gore Verbinski
Starring. Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Abagail Breslin

In general the Animated Talking Animal Genre makes me want to punch squirrels. Remember Madagascar 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6? The Ant Bully? All of the Ice Ages? Alpha and Omega?Chicken Little? Chicken Run? Over the Hedge? Open Season? Shark Tale? Bolt? Ok, ok I'll stop there. You get my point. For every Finding Nemo, there are at least ten Doogals.

So you can imagine the magnitude of my disdain when I first became aware of Rango, an animated tale of a bunch of walking, talking, gunslinging, bank robbing desert animals living in a Wild West style town. Has Johnny Depp sunk so low? I scoffed. Yet miraculously, and this doesn't happen often (it does), I ended up having to eat my words. Impressively, Rango manages to set itself apart from its CGi abusing counterparts. It does so with an entertaining and solid script, clever jokes, classic western references, and stunning animation.

Rango (Johnny Depp) is the name our leading lizard gives to himself when he is thrown from his comfortable but lonely life as a pet chameleon and thrust into the small desert town of Dirt. It's a classic fish out of water tale, and the high minded dreamer that is Rango suddenly finds himself playing the role of the town's much needed hero. The citizens of Dirt are in danger as their most important commodity, water, is mysteriously running out, and they soon put all their faith in the little lizard to restore their supply and save the town.

Depp along with a supporting cast that includes Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Bill Nighy, and Ray Winstone, manage to completely bring to life this tale of a lovable bunch of mangy desert critters. Their performances, which were acted out in full by the cast, are beautifully captured in the mannerisms of the characters, adding a layer of humanity to the animated animals. The environment is photo-realistic at times and its many different textures are beautifully realized. Bravo to effects company Industrial Light and Magic, who have never done a full length feature film before, for making CGI awe-inspiring again.

Parents, you should beware that some of the jokes in the film may be a little too adult for your youngsters. They're sure to have questions for you ("Mommy, what's fecal matter?"), some of which you may not be keen to answer. But at least you'll be entertained, and if you're worried it might all sail over your tot's tiny head, fear not. There's enough fart jokes thrown in to see your kid through all that talk of existential crises.

Although Rango doesn't quite have the heart of say Finding Nemo, its themes are universal and it's exceptionally clever for a self proclaimed children's film. Finally, someone besides Pixar has figured out how to make a smart and entertaining animated film for audiences of all ages.

The Rite

Dir. Mikael Hafstrom
Starring. Anthony Hopkins, Colin O'Donoghue, Alice Braga

The Rite, according to its official description, is a horror film. It is meant to induce a feeling of unease, of discomfort, of fear. However, in adhering to pretty much every possible convention of modern horror, the Rite succeeds only in being obvious and predictable, at times even comical.

The story begins, of course, with our troubled hero, Michael Kovak, played by Colin O'Donoghue, whose performance is an awkward combination of Bert from Sesame Street and Bruce Campbell's forehead. This might have worked if it weren't in a film that took itself so seriously. He's a young man, trying to discover his path in life, and despite having no real affinity for Christian beliefs, he decides to go to seminary. The next thing we know, it's like a few years later and he's decided he doesn't want to become a priest after all. Now he's in Italy! Where he has been sent to take a class on exorcism, because why wouldn't you? (This is all based on a true story, mind you, so don't question it.) He makes his religious doubts known in class, so as an attempt to make him into a believer, his professor/priest sends him to visit Father Lucas (Anthony Hopkins), local exorcist guru. Here, Michael's doubts are tested and ultimately proved wrong as it is revealed (far too late in the story) that Father Lucas himself is possessed with a demon spirit.

All that is good about Anthony Hopkins' performance is canceled out by the poorly cast O'Donaghue, who is slightly too good looking to play a priest and not really good looking enough to play a leading man. If there's a Freddie Prinze Junior biopic in the works somewhere, I'd recommend giving this guy a call. Otherwise, let's try and keep him off our screens.

There's also a completely under-developed love story somewhere in the plot, which combined with the bleak aesthetic, and the incessantly ominous score, satisfies all of the basic components of a PG-13 horror flick. The only thing the filmmakers seem to have forgotten is the horror. The whole movie is foreboding which, by the end, feels completely unwarranted. It's like climbing a very tedious and creaky staircase, only to find at the top, there's an elevator waiting to take you quickly and comfortably back down.

By the end, I found myself actually rooting for the devil. If evil had triumphed, at least all of that foreboding would have been justified. Instead, the film chooses to solidify its lack of frights by way of a poorly executed religious message, which will undoubtedly fall flat on most of today's audiences. For all intents and purposes, fans of the exorcism genre may find this film amusing, if they take care not to expect anything new.

Biutiful

Dir. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Starring. Javier Bardem

Sometimes life is just too good. Sometimes you walk down the street thinking, "Gee, the world is really a great place and I'm happy to be a part of it." If you find yourself afflicted with such unfortunate thoughts, I urge you to take a nice big dose of Biutiful, a film guaranteed to remind you that the world is a horribly, disgracefully, absurdly, inexplicably mean, angry, heaping pile of shit. Fortunately however, the film is not. (A pile of shit, that is). In fact, despite it's depressing nature, it's utterly captivating; a deeply moving portrait of the often ignored darkness and desperation of life. It's a film that should be seen (even if you can only manage just the once), because it universally and realistically addresses themes of death and spirituality and love and survival and redemption; all of those big ideas that are constantly looming over us wishing we gave them the attention they deserve.

These themes are portrayed through the story of Uxbal (Javier Bardem), a (mostly) single father with a strong connection to the spiritual world. As his own health begins to fail, he goes through what any person would when faced with the harsh reality of their own mortality. He struggles to find peace within himself and with those around him as his time slowly runs out. But this is no "Bucket List" or "Last Holiday" (which, in case you've forgotten, is that movie where Queen Latifah gets diagnosed with a terminal illness and goes on one last holiday with LL Cool J. I know, I too wish I hadn't brought it up). His world is a harsh one, living on the margins of society in Barcelona, surviving on various illegal dealings, and desperate to support his two children despite his conflicted relationship with their bipolar mother. Is it possible to make things right in such a complicated world and does it even matter once we are gone? It's a difficult question and one that Uxbal must face before it is too late.

I can't deny the hold that this film had over me, and as difficult as it was at times to watch, I felt that somewhere in the story there was an undercurrent of hope. Perhaps this was in the father's unwavering dedication and love for his children, a part played with such depth and force by Javier Bardem, you'll find it hard to believe he has ever acted as anything else. There were several supernatural moments in the film that I found to be a bit superfluous as everything else was so grounded in a gritty, seedy realism. Other than that, the dramatic elements of the story and the conflicts of each character entwine effortlessly at the guiding hands of writer/director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, who proves that he can still tackle major themes without the use of an ensemble of characters and stories. The simplicity and the focus of one man's journey is really what sets Biutiful apart from Inarritu's other works and makes it a truly engrossing film to watch.

Never Let Me Go

Dir. Mark Romanek
Starring. Keira Knightley, Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield

Sometimes it's good to catch a flick that isn't all popcorn and candy and happy endings. There's nothing wrong with delving a bit deeper. It's good for the soul. Never Let Me Go is definitely not the fluffy whipped creamy piece of cake kind of film. It's more like the meat and potatoes of cinema; a hearty main course that takes a bit of time to digest and afterward just makes you want to sit on the couch and watch bad reality TV for hours.

The film, directed by Mark Romanek, is based on the novel of the same name written by Kazuo Ishiguro and tells the story of three friends whose tragic destiny limits their lives to barely reaching adulthood. Cathy (Carey Mulligan), Tommy (Andrew Garfield), and Ruth (Keira Knightley) grow up together in a strangely idyllic boarding school where their health and well-being is given ultimate priority and they are told stories meant to frighten them from ever leaving the school grounds. They are eventually told that they are special children and their fate is to have their lives "complete" once they reach their early 20's. The story is mostly about the relationship between the three children and how a complex love triangle develops between them as they grow up.

It's a tragic but beautiful film that explores the basic needs of human beings, particularly when faced with the cruel fact of our own mortality. For the characters of the film, this fact is intensified as their time on earth is cut even shorter than the rest of us. And through them we find out what is most important to those whose time is running out.

Never Let Me Go is visually stunning as every shot seems to highlight the ephemeral beauty of nature and life. The sci-fi aspect of the story (of which I have tried not to divulge since it's cleverly only alluded to in the film's trailers) is only a backdrop to the believability of the three main characters and the complexities of their friendship. The unique bond between them is truly brought to life by Mulligan, Garfield,and Knightley who all give deeply moving performances. Their younger counterparts played by Izzy Meikle-Small, Charlie Rowe, and Ella Purnell respectively are perfectly cast and provide an impressive basis for the characters.

Despite all of the promising elements of the film, it somewhere along the line falls a bit flat. Perhaps it's because the tone is consistently ominous without really any relief. The film moves along at a steady pace without any distinct ups or downs making it feel like it only skims the surface of a story that should have many depths to explore. It's hard as well for an audience to sympathize with characters that simply accept their fate without really putting up a fight for what they want.

Never Let Me Go is overall a poetic and beautiful film that despite dynamic performances from all its lead actors doesn't quite carry the emotional depth that it ought to.

Blue Valentine

(Review may contain spoilers.)

Dir. Derek Dianfrance
Starring. Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling

Indie dramatic character/relationship studies aren't necessarily my thing. Are they anyone's thing? We've all had experiences in relationships...must we study them? Why can't we just put them in a box, duct tape them tightly, and then store them in one of the back corners of the attic? No, I guess that's not in our nature. We have to think about them. We have to figure out what went wrong and why. We have to preserve them in formaldehyde and then pin them out on the table for dissecting. I will never understand us.

Maybe that's why I didn't get the point of Blue Valentine. Although it had some interesting moments, overall it was the same old story of boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl end up hating each other. Ryan Gosling plays Dean who is a modern day version of the guy he played in The Notebook. While working as a professional mover at a nursing home, he spots Cindy (Michelle Williams) who is visiting her ailing grandmother. He stalks her and forces her to go out with him (it's not creepy 'cause it's Gosling should be the tag-line of this movie), and thus the two embark on a loving relationship which slowly turns into a gradual distancing and eventually crumbles into a loveless marriage. The film jumps around in time unfolding the important facts of the relationship little by little and not in the actual order that they would occur. It's simply amazing. It's like they took time, and re-arranged it. I'm told it's called "editing."

Blue Valentine is not much more than the CliffsNotes to a relationship. It covers just the important moments that don't actually give you a deep understanding of any of it, but is just enough for you to get 75% of the questions right on the test. What about all the other moments? I want to see a movie about the time she does his laundry with hers and he's left chewed gum in a pocket. Or let's see the two of them going to the grocery store to pick up parmesan cheese. That's a film I want to watch. Bill paying. It doesn't get more real than that.

Believe it or not I was actually somewhat emotionally invested in the film until a nagging little thought pushed its way to the surface of my psyche. "Her?" It said, "...what's so great about her?" Then I waited patiently for Williams' character to have a redeeming moment, but it never came. She's not altogether and outright horrible, though. She's one of those dangerously elusive secret bitches, hidden well beneath a visage that says "I'm the kind of girl that's got it all." But seriously, what did she ever do for him? She killed the dog. She. Killed. The. Dog. Perhaps I never forgave her for that. I don't know if it's just the way the character is written or if I just can't get over Michelle Williams' permanent expression of surliness. She constantly resembles a toddler who's just had their favorite toy taken away. The only reasonable explanation I see for this is that in between takes she was being forced to suck on a lemon whilst simultaneously staring directly into the sun. If someone asked you, "What does a 'harumpf' look like?" all you would have to do would be to show them a picture of her face. Even her attempt at smiling is slightly painful and grimacey. Ok, that's enough of that.

I'm sure there is a time and a place in which Blue Valentine would be an appropriate and meaningful film to watch, I just can't figure out when that time would be. It's no good for date night because afterwards your girl will undoubtedly be like, "Sorry, babe. It's Gosling or nothing tonight." If you're married it will just induce the painful realization in both of you that no matter how much you once loved each other, you're doomed. If you're happily single you'll become more self-satisfied with your singledom which is fine but you feel that way already, so what's the point? If you're unhappily single you'll find yourself thinking "Well, I'd rather have that, than nothing," which is most depressing of all. If you are part of an alien race studying the strange and complex relations of humans, you may find this useful. Otherwise, isn't there something slightly masochistic about this desire to study the downfall of a relationship? Unless...maybe it's somehow comforting. Maybe we need to know that other people have gone through the same old shit we have in order to move on. I just don't know. It's good to be an alien.

You got a banana. You don't need no snack pack.

Finally, after months of eager anticipation, I give you another blog post. Just think of me as that amazing lover you once had who rocked your world and then disappeared for a few months only to call you out of the blue at 4am on a Tuesday from Vegas telling you to come to the MGM Grand. You drive the 14 hours because you think "Oh, why not? This could be the one!" Only to find a hotel room full of passed out drag queens. Yep, that's me.

Anyway, easily one of the best classic movie moments is the motivational speech. When all hope is lost, when all faith in the main character and their cause is gone, all it takes is one rousing speech followed by a great swelling of emotional music to turn it all around, and bring a glistening tear into the eyes of even the most hardened of movie goers.

Some of these speeches are actually quite good ('Braveheart,' 'To Kill a Mockingbird', and other such crap), but they get all the credit. What about the awesomely bad ones? It's time we raise them up to the pedestal on which they belong. Don't actually put them on the pedestal because they haven't really earned that. Just hold them there and cringe.

Prepare to be inspired.

5. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers


The Speech: 2/3 of the way into the LOTR trilogy, things are looking pretty grim for our ring bearing hobbit and his cronies. Yet in the midst of a deadly battle: Orcs pouring in from every corner, an aerial attack by those dragons with great sense of smell, Frodo's trusty companion Samwise (Sean Astin) has just enough time to ponder the nature of good and evil.

Highlight: "That there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fightin for!"

Verdict: I'm still tearing up, even through my laughter.

4. Avatar



The Speech: Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) must rouse the Na'vi tribe into fighting for their lands.

Highlight: This? This is our land! (Ayeyayayayaya!)

Verdict: Proves that CGI characters can't emote, even in IMAX 3D.

3. D2: Mighty Ducks



The Speech: The Mighty Ducks, now Team USA, are playing to win the Junior Goodwill Games. Coach Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez) wants his team to remember who they are.

Highlight: "Because we are ducks, and ducks fly together!"

Verdict: Who's that old guy with the creepy accent?

2. The Goonies
The Speech: With their homes threatened by the development of a golf course, The Goonies have set off to find One-eyed Willy's treasure and save the day. With the Fratellis hot on their tail, the gang is ready to give up. Sean Astin as Mikey makes his second appearance on this list in order to convince his buddies not to ride up Troy's bucket.

Highlight: "Down here its our time, its our time down here!"

Verdict: Really? Three teenage boys can pull a bucket the entire way up a well before realizing it doesn't hold the weight of a human body?

1. Independence Day



The Speech: President Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman) tries to motivate his troops before a final attack on the invading aliens. Then he hops in his own jet and whoops some alien ass along side them. Awesome!

Highlight: "Today we celebrate our Independence day!"

Verdict: Presidential speeches could always use a bit more rhyming.

And that! That is my blog post today!

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