Sucker Punch

Dir. Zack Snyder
Starring. Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone

I've seen a lot of films in my day. Some make me laugh. Some make me cry. But very rarely does a film ever make me angry. Yet, somehow, 'Sucker Punch' managed to leave me seething with anger at its own pointlessness. I'm a bit ashamed to say that. Eliciting such a strong reaction out of me gives this film too much credit.

I don't know what happened. What's not to love? A bunch of hot chicks in lingerie running around imaginary CGI worlds that are like visual orgies, while totally kicking ass in slow motion fight scenes, until they return to real world where they are whores/mental patients? Awesome! Oh, wait. That's right, I'm not a horny 15 year old boy who spends all his time watching internet porn and playing Xbox. Nor am I Zack Snyder.

That must be why the fantastic story of Baby Doll (Emily Browning) and her lovely cronies didn't sit well with me. Baby Doll is a youngish girl whose mother sadly dies in slow motion. It's extra sad because she lives somewhere where it rains every single day. She has an angry looking Step-Dad that turns out to be a heavily made up priest. They like to play hide and seek but he's always 'it' and she's not very good at hiding. She shoots a light bulb because light gives her headaches and she was trying to sleep. Then she discovers her sister fell asleep in the closet in the middle of the game. But actually no, she's bleeding so she might be dead. Also in slow motion. Baby Doll's secret priest-Step-Dad sends her to a mental institution where a bunch of other mentally insane but super hot girls live with stripper names like Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens), and Amber (Jamie Chung). But the mental institution is actually a brothel that's actually a portal into 'Kill Bill,' 'Lord of the Rings,' 'I, Robot,' and 'Dead Snow.' So the girls have to watch all those movies before they can escape. Or something like that.

You'll find I've put just about as much thought into that summary as Snyder did the plot of the film. An eye for an eye, mate.

I'm trying to imagine a world in which I would have been okay with this film. Maybe if it had some character development. Or maybe if it didn't try to throw some pretentious poetic meaningful theme into the mix and accepted that it was just a ridiculously self indulgent bit of eye candy. Maybe if it was a completely different movie. But no, it is what it is. And as if having to sit through it wasn't bad enough, Snyder adds insult to injury by claiming that I, a woman, should feel empowered by it. Maybe I should be. But I'm just a woman. I don't even know what empowered means let alone how to feel it. I'm far too busy curling my hair, going shoe shopping, and doing sexy dances in my underwear to have time for such advanced emotions.

Fun fact: this is the first film that has actually broken a law of physics. In it's creation it has also created a lack of creation. A giant vacuum in the universe. An empty void of stupidity. A black hole of mindlessness. Sounds pretty cool right? Even if it doesn't make any sense? See Mr. Snyder, I can do it too.