The Worst of Natalie Portman

Trust me, this hurts me as much as it hurts you. I can't remember a time when I didn't idolize Dame Natalie the Duchess du Portman. But now that everyone else has officially jumped on the bandwagon, I thought I would take the time to remind us all that the girl is human.

Goya's Ghosts (2006)
Genre. Really Sad
Dir. A guy that did some other good stuff
Starring. Anton Chiguhr, The Portster, One of the Saarsgaards

It's been a long time since that fateful day when I brought Goya's Ghosts home from Blockbuster (yes, we were still going to BLOCKBUSTER. That long ago.) So I'm afraid I can't offer a very thorough critique. But I'll try. Now, this was a time before the gentle guidance of Netflix's ratings and recommendations system, when we were forced to spend hours wandering aimlessly through aisles of thousands of DVDs, with naught but the cover design and the quotes of critical acclaim that often graced them to guide us in our choice. Goya's Ghosts obviously caught my eye because of the talented cast and because it boasted the same director as Amadeus and The English Patient. Unfortunately this promising combination proved unworthy of my $2.99 rental fee plus the cost of gas to and from Blockbuster. A fellow critic who writes for imdb.com message boards and goes by the name of Epicureum called the film "just another anglo-saxon libel full of furibund anti-Spanish racism and historical lies about Spain."

Well I don't know about that, Epicureum, but I do know that the film sucked. What I now recall, and what I evidently attempted to block from my memory, is the part in the film in which Natalie looks like this (image NSFW):

Jesus. No wonder I hated it.

Natalie Raps (2006)
Genre. Digital Short
Dir. Who knows.
Starring. Natalie, Andy Samberg

Ahh let us analyze the masterpiece that is Natalie Raps. A short film is an elusive and delicate art; one that requires a profound focus in order to manifest its individualized reflexivity and stand alone as a fulfillful work. No short demonstrates this accumulation better than Natalie Raps. It's a bold and intrepid work that is inundated with post-modern realisticism in which Natalie fearlessly declares herself as the true artiste and auteur that she truly is. Truthfully.

Star Wars Episodes I-III
Genre. CGI
Dir. Come on, you know this.
Starring. CGI

At least it's the good Star Warses.


No Strings Attached (2011)
Genre. comedy
Dir. Ivan Reitman
Starring. Ashton Kutcher, Cary Elwes

I know I shouldn't be condemning films based on their trailers alone, but if we didn't all spend our time passing judgment on things before actually knowing them, we'd be bored to tears. I do have to say despite the constant onslaught of shit that is this trailer, I might have laughed out loud a little when Nats goes, "You look like a pumpkin, bitch." I shall assume that that is the only mildly amusing moment in the whole film.

The Tourist

Dir. Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Starring. Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Paul Bettany

A twist ending can either make or break a film. Back when the device was a novelty there was nothing better. The superiority one felt speaking to people who hadn't yet seen the film was absolutely addictive. "You'll never guess the ending," we'd say, "I figured it out within the first nanosecond of the opening credits, but you'll never guess it."

By now, audiences have seen it all. We know all the possible twists that are out there, so any attempt at one just seems like a cheap cop out. It's rare for us to be at all shocked anymore. That's why these days the twist ending is further down on the Hollywood blacklist than Mel Gibson.

Unfortunately, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck writer/director of thoughtlessly self-indulgent wannabe action thriller, The Tourist, doesn't seem to have received the memo. He has given us an ending so bad, the first ever film audience would not even have been shocked by it. Either he made the film for the dumbest audience ever, or he was so smart he had the foresight to know that in this day and age, audiences are so jaded we could never possibly suspect the ending that is most painfully obvious to us.

I'm not going to spell it out for you because that's one of the great bylaws of my trade (and because a retarded monkey could figure it out just by watching the trailer). I shall do my best to keep you in suspense. In short, the story is that of Elise Ward (Angelina Jolie), a beautiful woman being tailed by police who are after her man for stealing loads of money. She receives a mysterious letter from said mysterious man instructing her to fool the police into thinking another man is him. She picks the most boring character Johnny Depp has ever played, Frank Tupelo. Although the officials soon realize Frank is not the man they are after, some thugs who work for the giant boil in the middle of Steven Berkoff's forehead still think he is and come after him, thus entwining the innocent tourist in an only mildly threatening game of cat and mouse; one where the cat doesn't seem to be all that bothered and the audience isn't all that bothered about whether or not the mouse gets away.

The chemistry between Jolie and Depp is about the same as that of a used q-tip and a ball of lint. It's almost as if they were each acting in a completely different film and their scenes were accidentally cut together without them ever having been in the same room together. Actually, that makes sense. Yes, yes, that must be what happened.

To be fair, I can't think of any actors who could have breathed life into the script which was so dead it actually died, came back to life as a zombie, and then was beaten to death again with a shovel. The story is completely void of anything even remotely compelling. Yet, we want so desperately to be entertained our brains force us into laughing at things that under normal circumstances wouldn't even bring us to waste the energy on an ironic or mildly amused eye roll. So there's that; a few moments of painful artificial laughter that barely staves off the deep depression that would set in if we really accepted the implications of a society that allows a film like this to be made. I would rather be stabbed in the eye repeatedly by Angelina Jolie's razor sharp shoulder blades than sit through that film again.

And if the first 90 minutes weren't bad enough, the ending is so bad, it felt like a slap in the face. So I've written a better one. Picture this: the final scene of the film is coming to an end. Depp and Jolie are smiling at each other in an annoyingly self satisfied way as everything seemingly has ended perfectly. But wait! Suddenly Johnny Depp turns to screen and chuckles. "Just kidding," he says. Then he goes on to explain that the film we've just seen was a fake made by a bunch of poorly designed robots starring not him, but a CGI version of him created by Brendan Fraser in a Mo Cap suit. Furthermore, it turns out Angelina Jolie hasn't in fact turned into Skeletor, as we have been lead to believe, but is actually just played by Terri Hatcher in a mask. And then everyone in the audience wins a prize for having been able to sit through the film. Then they both high five which ends in a freeze frame and cuts to black. Roll Credits. You can have it Hollywood, it's my gift to you.

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