The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Dir. Tom Six
Starring. Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie

Finding yourself on the outside of your friends' recent fascination with jokes about being "centipeded"? Or maybe you've heard the story of The Human Centipede and are consumed with morbid curiosity? Either way, I'd be wasting my breath if I told you not to see this movie, as it would probably serve only to encourage you. Therefore, I can only give the facts, and perhaps that will be enough for you to make your own responsible and informed decision about seeing it, or at the very least it will be enough for you to know that when someone says, "I reckon I'd prefer the back of the centipede," you'll know to respond with, "Yeah right, I'll take the front for sure!"

Imagine all the typical ingredients for every horror movie ever made. Now, add one ridiculous, gruesome, gratuitous, all together quite pointless, yet undeniably original idea, and you've got The Human Centipede. Centipede is the demented brainchild of Dutch writer/director Tom Six, who apparently came up with the idea for the film while contemplating potential punishments for child molesters. "Stitch their mouths to the ass of a fat truck driver!" quipped Six, and unfortunately some time later The Human Centipede crawled its way into a theater near you.

So if your mind is too innocent and kindly to have figured out by now what exactly The Human Centipede entails, allow me to corrupt you, as I'm sure you'll hear it eventually. In the film, the centipede is a creature designed and executed by mad german scientist, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), and it consists of three drugged and kidnapped victims who are sewn together back to mouth; i.e. a siamese triplet connected by the gastric system. Two of these victims are our protagonists; some lovely lady tourists from America who go out for a night in Germany and "bite off more than they can chew." After the same old story of a flat tire on a rainy dark night, the lost friends end up on the doorstep of one Dr. Heiter, where they accept an invitation inside and some refreshments laced with roofies. Well you know how it goes... a few drinks, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know you're waking up on an operating table literally about to be eating your friend's shit.

Still intrigued? Seek psychiatric help. But know that you are not alone. I too felt the immediate need for visual satisfaction after having heard the premise of the movie, plagued with questions of "how?" "why?" and "does he really do it?" I was further encourage by the trailer which led me to believe I'd be in for an absurd and possibly even satirical foray into the horror torture genre, with cliche dialogue and poor acting, that would nonetheless provide an entertaining evening in. However, besides the horrendous acting and dialogue, I got none of that.

My question of "how" was already answered in the trailer by Dr. Heiter's very scientific diagrams featuring three gingerbread people on their hands and knees looking up each others arses. At least I was still compelled by the question of "does he really do it?" I would soon find out that yes...yes he does, and that's hardly a spoiler because it happens in the first act of the movie, and after that, one pretty much loses interest. Once our heroines are "centipeded" there is no suspense left at all and we can only sit and cringe through the rest of the film while we watch them suffer hopelessly. Furthermore the question of "why?" is never really answered satisfactorily at all and it seems wasn't given much thought in the first place. Perhaps Six thought that making Dr. Heiter German should be explanation enough. Regardless, it soon becomes clear that besides the initial shock of the heinous subject matter, there is nothing particularly entertaining or original about the film at all.

So, in the spirit of a mother warning a child against touching a hot stove, I can almost guarantee regret to the weary watcher when the film comes to a close. You will never be able to get back those 92 minutes of your life. But if you must see it, than so be it. Perhaps the sooner the world experiences the Centipede, the sooner it will go away.